For Lisa, Someone I Don’t Know

1 Mar

After you have done a bit of dating, online or otherwise you start to notice things about yourself and what you are attracted to. This is a good thing. Awareness of how your subconscious works can help you avoid, shall we say, toxic bachelorettes?

One thing I have noticed is that I’m a sucker for a woman who can express herself intelligently and with humor in her writing. Last year I dated a lady for the better part of nine months that hooked me with some of her old emails detailing her adventures in southeast Asia. Not long ago I met a published poet living in Austin. What both of them had in common was the ability and willingness to write. And write well. To smith dem word real purty. I am not sure why that does it for me but it does.

I ran across a profile on MySpace a year or more back and unlike most of the MySpace profiles this lady actually used the blogging tool to good effect. It wasn’t just a recitation of events with friends or family. Nope there were a half dozen really interesting, funny posts about her experiences in dating, online and otherwise. Much of it quite personal and in an open style that drew you in. It showed intelligence. Since I have some experience dating online and blogging about it, not to mention my attraction to Women Who Can Write. I sent her a message expressing my admiration for her writing and expressing my interest.

She actually responded, we exchanged a few messages and then she stopped answering. A little disappointing but it happens all the time.

A month ago I was wandering through the women’s profiles on MySpace and ran across hers again. Seems she is still occasionally blogging about her adventures in dating land. Cool. So I spend some time catching up. Her writing had gotten better and I was moved to respond. I crafted a public comment. She responded. Remembering what happened last time I did not try to hit on her again, but not wanting to miss out on her further adventures I subscribed to her blog. What the hey.

Today I got an email (what, no RSS?) from MySpace notifying me that she had updated her blog, so I went and had a look. The second paragraph sucked me right in

“I am honestly perplexed. Confused. Genuinely thrown for a loop. It’s this dating thing that has me all in a tizzy; and since the nature of the beast dictates that it is the way that I am going to meet my Mr. Right, I have gone all in….but unlike a good ole game of Texas Hold ‘em; I don’t like it, and I’m not having fun.

She continues for twelve more paragraphs and ends on an fairly upbeat note. Certainly not what you would read from a professional blogger (if you will pardon the oxymoron) but she gets the point across with wit and humor. But there is an underlying hint of sadness, or perhaps it’s just frustration.”

This blog post in response to her blog is by no means an indictment of her writing, her desires, her opinions or her exposure of a corner of her personal life to the world. Not in the least, in fact I am quite happy with it. It inspired my response. And in the Words of Dennis Miller, “This is just my opinion, I could be wrong.”

Anyone who has done online dating for a few years will experience that frustration. Meeting the right person at the wrong time. Or getting face to face with someone only to realize that they aren’t The One, yet again. And that, I believe, is where the problem lies.

The dating sites try and sell you on their ability to find The One. You see ads on TV with happily married people who met through SuperSpecialMeetYourSoulMateRightNow.com. They are selling everlasting love, and making a lot of money doing so. So naturally you go into it with the expectation of doing just that: finding The One (or if you prefer Soul Mate, future Husband/Wife, Mr./Ms. Right, etc.). And for a lot of people that is not only very unlikely but counter productive.

If I may ‘esplain.

There’s an old wives tale that says you will find love when and where you least expect it. So if you are going into the online dating thing expecting or outright demanding that you meet Mister Right you are setting yourself up for failure.

Most dating sites are set up in such a way that they “match” you based on likes/dislikes, astrological sign or some sort of personality profile. Bullshit. No I mean it: Complete And Utter Bullshit. All these sites can actually do is introduce you to someone.

Let’s say that you like opera, string quartets and classical music. Her tastes are a little more prosaic. Mostly popular music and a little bit of everything else but not really much of a fan of classical, opera and especially not string quartets. She wants to live by the water and you, well not so much. If you go by your typical online matching criteria these two would never meet. Too bad, I never would have been born and my parents wouldn’t be celebrating their 53rd wedding anniversary this year.

Over reliance on any kind of personality or like/dislkie match criteria, either by the web site’s rules or imposed from within is counter productive. Attraction is not about any of that shit.

People are not about what they answer in a questionnaire. Nor can attractiveness be completely judged with a couple paragraphs and a picture or two. The one thing that can’t be transmitted by any electronic means is chemistry. That bolt of lightning, that feeling at the back of your neck, or your suddenly sweaty palms. None of that can be felt online. Chemistry, real interpersonal chemistry is exactly the one thing (the deal breaker) that can’t be sent along with your profile. What do you you feel inside when you look them in the eye? What do they smell like? What is that one little thing you just noticed about them that all of a sudden just works for you? It can’t be transmitted. Period.

Expecting or demanding that out of the online dating process is counter productive.

Lately I have taken a much more relaxed attitude with the whole online dating thing. I am not on the hunt. I am not setting a goal of finding a Ms. Right “this year.” I am not examining the profiles of the people I might meet for their suitability as a potential mate.

I am meeting women that look interesting. Women who have just a little spark of something in their profile that piques a little curiosity. That and not much else. Besides Uma Thurman and Nicole Kidman are already taken.

I am not being flip. Demanding that a potential mate meet a specific, and narrow, definition of what is acceptable is self defeating. Just because I don’t have blonde hair and am not from Austin or you aren’t 5-10 and into 80s Hair Metal doesn’t mean that we won’t hit it off. Attraction ain’t about that.

So I have been going into the online dating process with a much more relaxed attitude. I am looking for and working towards having a good time on our first date. If that happens I consider it a success. I have just met someone I never would have met otherwise. We have spent a fun, or at the very least, interesting hour or so together and parted ways on good terms.

So what if they are not a potential husband or wife? You spent a pleasant time in a convivial social encounter with a complete stranger. Enjoy it for what it was: you had a good time. If something more comes of it, great. If you become friends, even if only for a short time it is still a win. And if you continue to hang out, if you continue to get along and spend more and more time together, great! Take it as it comes and enjoy the process for what it is.

But if you are so focused on the goal. If finding The One is of such overriding importance you may miss out on the really important part, the journey.