Let’s go back in time to that mostest wonderfulest time. We approach that most wonderful time of year: early November of 2008. I have been working at Big Big Dot.com Company for about six months as an employee of Contracting Company. Today I get an email announcing the Big Dot.com Company’s Christmas party on December 6th at the Driskill Hotel in downtown Austin. Swanky place. A few days later I get a call from someone in Human Resources at Contracting Company.
The HR person introduces herself and then tells me the reason for the call. It seems that we (as employees of Contracting Company) are being invited to Big Dot.com Company’s Christmas party. Contracting Company has no (official) problems with this. Furthermore they officially want to remind me that if I attend said holiday party that I need to be aware that I am Representing Their Company. Also I should Behave In A Manner That Will Not Bring Shame on the Contracting Company. They also need me to sign a release form they are emailing me. I “ummm” and “yes, of course” in all of the right places convincing the HR person of my sincerity and willingness to Be A Good Boy. She thanks me for my time and we say goodbye. Soon after that Oscar Winning Performance this washes up in my inbox.
Hi Steve,
I was informed that Big Dot.com Company is extending an invitation to you to attend their annual Christmas party on 12/6.
Since it is a company sponsored function and there is alcohol served, please complete and attached acknowledgement and return to me no later than 11/30/08.
If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
Thanks,
[redacted]
Human Resources Manager
It would be helpful to know that the Contracting Company is in California and their only two employees in Texas are me and my co-worker. Yeah, he got the same phone call and email. He shared my opinion. Which begs the question, “how are they even gonna know?”
I open up the attachment and start reading.
[COMPANY LOGO]
Acknowledgement
I, a [Contracting Company] employee, acknowledge that any time I attend a company or vendor function that I will comply with the following guidelines:
* I understand that I am an “ambassador” for my company and will act accordingly.
* I am a [Contracting Company] employee and I understand that my attendance at [Big Dot.com Company] events is not mandatory. It is a privilege and not a right. I know that I must act responsibly and display professional behavior at every event.
The legal drinking age in the United States is twenty one years. Please check the box below that applies to you:[_] I am of legal drinking age ( 21 years or over)
I hereby consent to limit my alcoholic consumptions to two beverages only
I am advised not to drink to excess and never drink and drive
I am advised to avoid drinking if I am currently taking medication or allergy formulae.[_] I am not of legal drinking age (under 21 years)
I hereby acknowledge that I am not legally allowed to consume alcoholic beverages.
I understand that if I violate this agreement, I may be disciplined or subject to immediate termination.
_____________Name of Employee
______________Signature of Employee
_______________Date
The first time I read this my head almost exploded. Don’t get me wrong here, it was not so much “how dare they” or “only two fucking drinks? Yeah right!” but more along the lines of “how fucked up is it when I am not that surprised to have to sign a release form before attending a goddamn Christmas party?” No pun intended.
I completely understand that the national passtime is and has been for many years suing the shit out of everyone in the hope of scoring some free money. Which is exactly the problem.
What ever happened to personal responsibility? The concept that as an adult if you do something, no matter how stupid, you are personally responsible for your own actions and are prepared for the consequences.
Talking on your cell phone while speeding down the highway and killing yourself, your passengers or some other poor soul just so you could chat somebody up. That would NOT be the fault of the cell phone company, cell phone manufacturer, car manufacturer or the poor sod you ran into for being “in your way.”
Climb the fence in a neighbor’s yard for a swim in their new pool and your friend drowns. That is NOT the fault of the pool owner.
I get drunk at a Christmas party and plow into a tree on the way home. That would be MY fault and not the bartender’s.
I have always felt that the founding fathers may have not thought out the Constitution as well as they could have. Perhaps they could have thought about the general cussedness of the average man or woman. For example the Bill of Rights? Perhaps we can, ahem, add something:
The Bill of Responsibilities. And this part of the constitution could even be a bit shorter than the rest:
All adults are assumed to be responsible, in full, for thier own actions, regardless of circumstances.
Maybe something like that might have avoided situations where I have to be reminded that I have to fucking behave myself in public.
This was written in November of 2008 and only published now to avoid getting my ass fired from the job I had at the time. Besides it seemed like the responsible thing to do.