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The Three Rules

30 Jan

Some people make a big deal about having rules to live and/or work by. Some have even codified them into numbered lists. TV shows do it too, usually for humorous or dramatic effect

Although it is usually incumbent on the man to make the first move (at least in my age group) it is not unheard of for a woman to approach a man, especially online. And most dating websites make it easy to express interest in someone by “winking” at them. On match.com you click on a button on someone’s profile that says “wink for free.” and it sends an email that looks like this:

 

She "Winked" at me
She “Winked” at me.

 

For whatever reason most women do not respond to winks. I see no reason not to. I figure that if someone is interested in me why not have a look as see if I am interested too. In this particular case I was not and clicked on the “no thanks” link. Strangely enough she wrote back.

 

 

Which made me think back on when I was new at this online dating thing and used to ask why not. And why I never do that anymore. Never. So I wrote her a quick email declining to answer and listing my three rules of online dating. These are the three that I never break.

 

  1. Always see a picture of them.
  2. Always talk on the phone.
  3. Never ask why not.

 

Let’s take these one at a time.

I can hear the arguments now about pictures. I know you can’t tell how old the picture is. I know it could be the only good picture of them ever taken: a picture of them dressed up, made up and actually smiling which only happens once every ten years. Yes I know,  I recognize all of that and and all of the other pitfalls.

In fact when all a woman has are very close up pictures of her face (closely cropped) it is (often) to hide a physique that you only get when your primary exercise is brushing the pizza crusts out of bed. So it’s best to have at least one reasonably cropped head shot and also at least one that shows you head to toe. After all they are going to see you full length eventually. Might as well show them now when they can’t hurt your feelings face to face.

It is also important to realize the most average people don’t take a good picture. And all you are really judging is if the person in the picture is not unattractive to you and knows that posting your pictures on an online dating site is completely safe.. If she passes the picture test and gets through the next few emails it’s on to rule two.

One nice thing about email is that you can edit yourself. And everybody sounds the same in an email. But when you get them on the phone they can’t edit themselves as easily and it is easier to judge the level of intellectual compatibility: sense of humor, level of education (or intelligence, if you prefer) and the sound of their voice. All of this I have found is important. If the phone call is nothing but awkward pauses and false starts and/or an accent so thick you can only understand every fourth word that is a bad sign. And if they start in with off color humor or racist remarks, well it’s easier to say no over the phone.

And those are really the only must haves. Why? Because every time I violate those rules I regret it.

Now on to rule number three. This is also one I learned the hard way when I first started doing the online dating thing. It’s normal and understandable to be a little hurt or puzzled when someone you think would be perfect for you doesn’t agree. So on the rare occasion that someone would answer my question as to why they were not interested (assuming it is not a BS answer like “I just met someone and I want to see how it goes”) the answer was invariably something that I never even considered as even possible and ended up being way more hurtful than never knowing. So I stopped asking. My advice to you? Grok the phrase “what you don’t know won’t hurt you.”

So what did I say to the lady who wanted to know why? I was polite and declined to answer because I just know from experience that, regardless of what she wants, she is better off not knowing.