Pain, that’s the big problem with online dating. I’ve seen it in discussion groups. A plea from someone wondering why they get no response. And their profile gets critiqued and their photos get critiqued. And there are long discussions about what is wrong with the profile that boils down to, “nothing, really.”
“So why don’t they ever write back?”
Why indeed. All you can do is say that they did not find you attractive. Not necessairly just your photographs. Maybe something you said or the way that you said it just struck them wrong. Attraction is that fagile, especially when you can’t look them in the eye, laugh at their jokes and sympathize with their pain. Especially when all you have are a few pictures and a few words to encompass a lifetime of experience.
So rejection, endless rejection from all those people that you find attractive that won’t even give you a chance is disheartening. And painful.
How did I come to this conclusion? I got an email from someone on match.com. Not surprising, in and of itself. But considering that I had hidden my profile a week ago, a little surprising.
It was a girl that I had corresponded with a few months back. We only exchanged a few emails when she said that she was getting back together with an old boyfriend. A month later her profile shows back up in my matches. So I write her to see if she might be interested in trying again. No answer.
Three weeks later, though, she does answer.
Yeah, the old flame decided he didnt have enough to offer and would never be good enough…its nuts. He was everything I valued. Not rich, not a genius (he thinks I am so much smarter than him) but a good man with a good heart who shared all my activities and very attractive. I was happy. He dumped me anyway. What can I do about that? Cry a little and then move on…
So I am surprised, and pleased. Usually the “I met someone” or “I’m getting back together with an old flame” excuse means “I don’t find you attractive and don’t want to give you any opportunity to debate me on it.” Fair enough I have felt the same way about some women who have written me. But she seems to have actually meant it. That would be the surprised part. The pleased part would be that she looks intelligent and sexy, cool!
I write back, taking the sympathetic route.
Yeah I know what you mean. It’s rough when you know someone who you KNOW would be just perfect and they don’t have the courage or presence of mind to recognize just how well you just Work.
So are you an any kind of mental place to even contemplate the possibility of thinking about doing a little dating? I would think that the email means just that, but I have been known to be wring from time to time… 😉
Reasonable enough, considering what she just sent to me. Right? Well one would think so.
I am back on Match because I am ready to date and I hate saying this to anyone ever but the truth is, Im not attracted to you in a romantic way…..Im so sorry. Someone a lot better than me will be though so don’t give it a minute of your concern.
I had hidden my profile a week or so ago for a couple of peronal reasons. One of which was the rejection was really getting to me and I needed to take a break.
Ninty-nine times out of a hundred if a woman is not interested in you online she does not respond, at all. Most of the rest of the time she clicks that link that generates a “thanks, you seem like a nice guy but I don’t think we are a good match, best of luck, yadda yadda yadda” email.
So why would a woman write back three weeks later if she wasn’t interested too? Fuck if I know. But I do know that I couldn’t have been more surprised.
And hurt.
And that’s why I hid my profile.