I have blogged written, some would say excessively, about my adventures in online dating. Over the years some have encouraged me to write for a living. An article in a magazine or the like. Still others telling me I have a good start on a book right here in the pages of this blog. I usually have one of three reactions.
1. “meh…”
2. This is a hobby and I’d like to keep it fun. Making it a job would remove too much of the fun parts.
3. Writing Is Hard Work
It’s not that I am adverse to hard work, it’s just that I don’t have sixty to a hundred thousand words worth of a cohesive idea buzzing about in my head just begging to flushed out onto the page. Maybe one day, but not now.
From time to time I do have an itch to scratch. Often it comes from my online dating experiences, good and bad. And since it is always best to “write what you already know” or have experience with? I do.
As my online dating adventures continue, experiences congeal into something (I hope) is less like typing and more like actual writing. In recent weeks I have met some interesting women. A few indicated that the attraction was not mutual. And one where I had to indicate the same. That was difficult.
And in recent months I have gotten a few more than usual “thanks but no thanks” responses.
When you meet someone online that is not interested in you the end result is usually no response at all. You can write pleading, emails, demanding emails and even angry emails. The end result is usually the same, nothing.
But when I do get a “thanks but no thanks” in return the most common reason is “I’ve met someone else.” I suspect that is often an easy and convenient lie to avoid further uncomfortable explanations. Something that is easy to confirm. Just watch for her continued daily activity on the site you met through. And try not to take it personally.
Perhaps I am unusual in this but I would just prefer the more honest, “No thanks Steve, I have had a change of heart.” But anecdotal information from women I have met online indicate that rejection of any form (heck a response of any kind) will often result in a shit storm of hurt, angry, puzzled and threatening responses. Which probably explains the most common rejection: no answer at all.
Just because no response at all and “I just met someone new” are the vast majority of online rejections does not mean that I sometimes don’t get different kinds of rejections now and then.
“I only date blondes.”
“You don’t believe in the same invisible wizard in the sky as I do”
“I only date men who are Austin natives.”
“I could never date a man who was not a fan of [city] [sports team]” Or sports obsessed in general.
All of which I have personally received at least once in the past couple of years as reasons why we will not be dating.
But when you think about it, all those reasons really do (assuming they are honest reasons) is narrow the pool of available single men unnecessarily.
In your twenties the pool of available, attractive, unmarried and relatively baggage free interesting “men” is vast. In your 40s and 50s. availability of single men (and women) falls off a cliff. Which makes those rejection reasons above, to put it bluntly, batshit crazy.
Think about it. If I restrict my matching criteria to a woman 25 years old, 5-10, blonde, of Norwegian decent, former centerfold and underwear model who’s a multi millionaire with a dozen villas in picturesque locations spread around the globe with an interest in middle-aged computer geeks. How many of those do you think live in Austin?
I might be lucky to find one such woman in the whole world. And more likely than not she’s got the hots for Bill Gates.
Age
Sex
Distance from you
Height
Body Type
Current marital status
Astrological Sign
Turn-ons/Turn Offs
Body piercings, Boldness / Assertiveness, Brainiacs, Candlelight, Dancing,
Erotica, Flirting, Long hair, Money, Power, Public displays of affection, Sarcasm,
Skinny dipping, Tattoos, Thrills, Thunderstorms
Eye Color
Hair color
What your (self described) Best physical feature is
Exercise habits
Dietary preferences/restrictions
Smoking
Drinking
What kind of Job you have
Your Income
Who lives with you (kids, family roommates)
Have kids/Want Kids/Hate Kids?
Same for pets and a long list of animals that you have, dote have or like
Ethnicities
Faith
Education level achieved
Language(s) you speak
Political beliefs
So yes, I could select for an Asian woman within a one mile radius of my zip code, 28 years old, 5-10, athletic and toned body, single, a Taurus who has several body piercings. She digs braniacs and candlelight but is not so much into money, power or thunderstorms. I could further specify that she has green eyes and blonde hair, great legs and butt, exercises 2-3 times a week, not a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks only socially, works in the fashion industry makes over $150K a year, has no kids and doesn’t want any. Even further she loves horses and has a couple. She is half caucasian has no particular religious leaning, speaks fluent English, French, Italian and Spanish and is a liberal democrat.
My fantasy life aside, if my parents had the ability to specify a a mate to this level of detail they may have never met and I would not be here annoying you with a blog post much like all my other blog posts on online dating.
Dad likes classical music (string quartets and opera, GAH!). Mom, not so much.
Mom wants to live by the water. dad, not so much
Dad is a Republican, mom a liberal Democrat
Dad is not fond of pets, mom would fill the house with animals if she could.
Dad is a sports fan. Mom is bored with sports (like me), well except the Olympics.
But somehow they managed to meet, get married, have 3 kids, 3 grandkids and stay married for 54 years. It’s called building a life together and finding common interests.
So where the hell am I going with this?
Basically the self limiting nature of online dating sites that are trying to give you a good experience and showing you how much they offer with all their selection features are doing you a disservice. How, you ask?
Think about meeting someone out in public. At a party, a nightclub, running around the lake or in the magazine aisle of your local Walgreens. After a moment or an hour of awkward conversation Bob thinks Joanne is great. Soon they realize the feeling is mutual.
At that moment in time neither Bob nor Joanne know much about the other. Except for one important fact: they were attracted to each other.
And you know what? They probably didn’t even know how old each other was. And that is the most common selection criteria on every dating site.
When I met the future ex Mrs. Chambers in 1985 I had no idea that she was ten years younger than I was. I just knew it worked. And while it didn’t last, I don’t regret a single moment.
So the next time someone writes you on iamlonelyandineedawoman.com and they don’t exactly meet your match criteria and the pictures are a little hard to make out realize that people are not their age, ethnic origin, religious beliefs, political views, hair color, sports team, weight, height, favorite animal or preference in the type of pudding they like with lunch.
In fact the actual thing that attracts you to someone else can’t be transmitted electronically, pictures or not. So exchange a few emails, talk on the phone and arrange to meet.
Don’t agonize over it. Just do the damn thing: meet him or her for a cup of coffee, glass of wine or whatever (it’s not about the place it’s about who you are meeting) and look them in the eye and see if the chemistry is there.
A lot of times it won’t be. And a lot of times it won’t be a mutual attraction. I’ve been on both sides of that and believe me it is uncomfortable. But just be nice and wish them well.
But every once and a while you beat the odds and it just works. And then all that time spent over a glass of [Wine/Beer/Starbucks/Whatever] with people you have little or no chemistry with (or no interest in, if you like) will all fade into the past just like the time you broke that Christmas toy at the age of eight that you begged and begged and begged your parents for.
All of the missed dates. All the people who said they have time for you but really didn’t. All those people who seemed so nice and normal and intelligent and weren’t. All the people who posted 15 year old pictures and saw nothing wrong with that. All the people who said they were divorced and were just looking for a quick hook-up or just weren’t even close to divorced yet. All that bullshit will all of a sudden seem worth it. Because you finally met someone who makes your knees weak. Someone you spend every waking hour thinking about. someone who carbonates your hormones.
From Bloom County, No Doubt ©Copyrighted by Berkley Breathed.
And then you can delete your profile on all those dating sites and get back to living life. This time with someone to love. And you realize that it was all worth it after all.