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Strange Dating Emails

2 Jun

Why don’t you get an answer?

…an answer to all those first contact emails you send on dating sites?

(Real life sample dating emails at the bottom of this page.)

The telephone rings, I push the keyboard tray back in, turn away from the large glass teat, grab the phone hanging on the wall and hit the on button.

A low throaty female voice says, “Check your email.” Kimberly chuckles, “you gotta see the email I just got.”

I pop Eudora to the front and tap a quick Command-M. It blats the new mail tones and spits Kimberly’s email into my inbox. There is an incredulous silence as I read.

Before I go on you ought to know how Kimberly and I met: On one of the many Internet dating sites. We met a few years ago and while the romance didn’t work out we are still quite close. She and I now share Internet dating stories, offer advice on profiles and email. We laugh and commiserate over the convoluted, frustrating process of online dating.

Today she has deposited a gem indeed into my mailbox. I have seen these kinds of emails a few times before. Have heard about them from time to time. Since “Sharing Is Good”, read on:

 

She doesn’t get email as bad as that every day, but a couple of weeks later another grammatically challenged gem arrived.

 

 

God bless this woman! Entertainment this good usually requires a cable box and a subscription to a movie channel. Kimberly seems to be on some kind of karmic dumb-guy mailing list. A few weeks later this one arrives:

 

 

One of the things I dig about Kimberly is that she is even more sarcastic than me, god bless her!

She follows that gem with this comment, “And this guy is 55, has a college degree, runs his own business. Also says he’s a non drinker. I think he needs a drink…”

No it’s not “pick on the illiterate day.” But if this crap landed in your lap you’d have to laugh. otherwise you’d end up in a local singles bar with an AK-47. No wonder she didn’t respond.

 

Now that you’ve had a good laugh at someone elses expense

YOU won’t screw up like that. Nope, you were born in the good ‘ol US of A. You speak (and write) English just perfect. You find an interesting lady on one of the dating services and send out your own first-contact
masterpiece.

A couple of days go by with no response, then a week, then two. Maybe you screwed up in ways other than our grammatically challenged friends above. Time to ask yourself some questions.

  1. Did you read her profile? ALL of it?
  2. Once you have read all of her profile do you meet at least 95% of her requirements?”
  3. Remember some requirements are mandatory. If she is 5-10 and you’re 5-7 don’t bother. If she prefers Cajun and you like Thai…
  4. If there is a requirement that you may not meet, mention it. “Your profile says you like guys with long hair,
    mine hasn’t below my collar since I left college, hope that’s OK.”
  5. Is your spelling, grammar and punctuation more gooder than the masterpieces above? If it isn’t you’ll come across as a moron, she won’t date a moron.
  6. Yeah she will date a moron. If you meet at the QuickEMart and hide your stupidity well. But online
    all she has to go on is a (suspect) picture and how well you write. So take your time and write it well.
  7. Did you use language that, if you said it to Mom, you’d be in big trouble?
    1. Yes: “I like to cook too. I just took a cooking class.”
    2. No: “I can’t wait to cook with you, our hot sweaty bodies pumping in rhythm…”
  8. Did you say something nice about her picture or profile?
    1. Yes: “You have a nice smile.” Or “You write beautifully.”
    2. No: “Great cleavage!!”
  9. Were you friendly but not too personal?
    1. Yes: Looks like we might have a few things in common.
    2. No: You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, we will have gorgeous kids!
  10. Kimberly adds her pet peeve here. If you are interested don’t wait around to
    respond or show interest. Write her back immediately. Playing hard to get and being
    “not too available” online doesn’t work. Why? Because there are lots more like you,
    and better, out there.

If you can truthfully answer all of those questions and you still didn’t get a response, well she obviously didn’t follow mom’s advice to always be polite to strangers. Hell, when I get an email from someone I always respond, even if my reaction is “Ick!” How hard is it to fire off a quick, no thank you, something like this?

 

 

The important points are that you thank them for showing interest regardless of whether or not you are repulsed. It doesn’t cost a thing to be nice. By telling them you don’t think that she and you are a great match you leave the reasons up in the air. Again, the point here is to avoid being hurtful. So what if she looked like an Army mule, or had an ugly tattoo, does it really matter? Wish her well and say goodbye. Be brief, but kind. Hell even a form letter is better than nothing and shows at least some consideration.

You did follow all the rules? And still didn’t get a response? Console yourself that you are a better person than they are and move on.

But, If you sent an email that doesn’t meet all of the rules, then don’t get pissed if they don’t respond. There are eight men for every one woman online, they have lots more to choose from.

That’s why you didn’t get an answer.

Footnote

The strange emails from men and women keep rolling in. Some I get myself and others are sent to me by female friends who I beg and plead with ask for recent samples of their strange emails.

If you have interesting emails that you would not mind sharing with the world do email me I will keep all personal identification strictly confidential. Promise! Newest ones first.

 

More Reader-Contributed Strange Dating emails

Originally posted before I added WordPress to this site. Published date (in this case) is exact, thanks to archive.org.