I have a new friend that I met online. The lady who so thoughtfully provided the seed for this post I met on the freebie dating site Plenty Of Fish. Yeah it’s an awful name and the site itself is ugly as all get out but the price is right, so why not? Honestly I have had to wade through a lot more false starts than on other, paid, sites. But then there is that saying about getting what you pay for.
Anyway she has been sharing some correspondence with a few of the more clueless members who have contacted her. One of them I got permission to post here.
She writes:
This guy has only been writing to me for 3 days and pay close attention to the last line. Is it me–I mean, am I WHACKED??? or is this guy a little too anxious to get in the sack? I really hate sexual innuendo this early and plan to tell him so, but also would appreciate a male’s perspective on whether my reaction is out of line. I’m just offended at his boldness, that’s all.
Fair enough. I have, ahem, a bit of experience in online dating and have heard a few stories from the women I have met. Also being a member of the same sex I, theoretically, at least might have some insight into the mind of the male of the species.
An excerpt from what he writes:
Looked up Sciatica and it can be self-inflicted, as simple as carrying a big wallet in your back pocket daily and sitting on it, or using a large belt with
tools around it that imbalance your hips. Its nerve related and I’m sure you’re very aware of its symptoms. Do you have shoulder,back or leg pains? I understand that yoga or stretching may help. Sex is also a very good remedy for most ailments!!! 😉
Realizing that he was already doomed, my response:
Oh that is FUNNY!. Honestly it could have been a “trying to be cute” line that he didn’t think through or more likely a way of turning the conversation around to what he wants it to be. Flip a coin on that one.
Of course a little bit of sexual innuendo is not quite enough to justify me writing an addition to my Strange Dating Emails collection. Nope, not quite. Fortunately we have her response to this clueless example of male Homo Sapiens:
I have appreciated the time and effort you have put into writing to me and in getting to know me. And although I could hardly disagree that “sex is also a very good remedy for most ailments,” for you to make such a statement to me so early in our communication assumes a familiarity that is not there. The statement is presumptive and inappropriate. The wink icon is especially salacious and again, pushes the boundaries of good taste, especially since you barely know me and furthermore, have never met me.
I had been looking forward to meeting you on the 12th, but I no longer feel comfortable doing so. I cannot trust that you will not cross other boundaries without my constant vigilance.
I wish you every happiness and also good luck in your search.
That in and of itself would make a fine addition to my collection. But it seems that she is on a roll, inspired, if you will so the joy continues. She deleted his apology but paraphrases what he wrote:
It seems I’ve overstepped the bounds. I don’t think that I was insinuating anything more than the fact that sex is a good remedy for lots of things. It’s been proven in the research …
I want to end on a positive note, blah…blah…blah…
She finally realizes she has run up against the Law of Diminishing Returns and further correspondence could be construed as mean. And we would not want to be mean! No that would be childish. And fun. So she decided to send me her “if I wanted to prolong his misery” follow up email strictly for our mutual enjoyment. And now yours too.
Overstepped the bounds??? No shit, Sherlock. I classify your approach right up there with the grope from the wino I tripped over on the subway this morning. “I don’t think” is a classic way to justify your actions, not to mention an attempt to recover your male ego, now sadly in its refractile stage. I totally agree, you didn’t think. But what I’m still not decided about is whether you didn’t think because you are so totally UNCONSCIOUS, or because you are just plain unschooled and lack finesse. Had you been a little more creative with your approach, such as: “Hey babe, wanna go with me to this wild swingers’ club where we can watch the locals get it on with some ferrets,” I might have given you some credit in the pick-up line department.
Oh, and by the way, Dr. Ruth. I KNOW that it’s been proven in the research that sex is a good remedy for a lot of things. I’m a [redacted], for pete’s sake. Next time you want to justify your inappropriate comments, check out what a woman does for a living in her profile. Hellloooo??? I’m a [redacted]–I’ve heard it all.
I will be referring you out. Perhaps a nice frontal lobotomy would solve your problems.
Ever your faithful servant,
[name]
You can almost hear the smack of palm against cheek in that one, cant you? I just lurves me some snark. Not to mention some dry, sarcastic wit from an educated woman.
It’s good to have friends.
Postscript
In the process of writing this it occurred to me that someone might take this the wrong way. EG just your typical, easy target, male-bashing. No, in-fact, we get quite enough of that on TV. This is more of a cautionary tale for men who have dipped their toe in the online dating waters. The lesson here would be, don’t put anything in an email to a woman (especially one you have not met yet) that you would not hesitate to put in an email to your mother.