While I Don’t Get Feedback Often…
I do get it from time to time. Mostly from friends or family when I run a new essay by them. Sometimes by complete strangers. One of the 20 or so unique visitors this corner of the Internet gets on an average day. As I have a bit of time on my hands these days I also have time to post some of that feedback
“M” Had some interesting thoughts on the previous essay. She is somewhat new to online dating and has been a good reminder of what it is like for a first time user. Some of her experiences have been relayed to me and a couple of tiny little bits helped seed this essay.
Philosophically, I think a lot of the problem of singles has to do with expectations too—television (the great monster) has convinced us all that if we are not completely bowled over by someone constantly and consistently, that ‘IT’ can’t be happening. ‘IT’ meaning “I’ve met the love of my life!” So distractions are easy, “grass is always greener” syndrome sets in and we’ve learned essentially nothing, even from the sitcoms of arguing & imperfect but loving couples. Unfortunately there is too much out there that ‘scars’ the heart of us & hopelessness is only cured by renewed hope (now that’s a vicious cycle). But surely the answer can’t be to run into people in the grocery store (an extremely limited resource. And frankly, if you’re over forty, your friends really don’t know enough people to fix you up with—-that might work if you are all in college in your 20s! Plus, online dating can tell you a few particulars up front that might take you a month to learn otherwise.
I met my ex-husband through a dating service and we were a good match, just a match that didn’t last after 10 years. So I’m still a willing participant in online dating, but I think the lesson of distracted-ness is a good one, but its also a lesson in trust, communication and openness.
And then her follow up was equally interesting. Or at least I thought so as it brought up another side to the essay. And as I tend to be overly simplistic in my thinking and writing, I figgered that her second response would be a good addition. The female perspective, if you will.
For many long days, over many months and seventeen years, I divorced the masses -a little over 3000- to be precise. And let me tell you this, I wasn’t always helping people who had ‘settled’ or who had ‘made a poor choice.’ The most typical clients were those who, at the beginning of the relationship were “swept away by the chemistry”, or experienced “love at first sight” or who had found their “soul-mate”. Rarely, if ever, were these folks intellectually compatible (much less anything else) and often had very little in common other than that ‘elusive’ chemistry.
Chemistry is highly overrated by single folks. Chemistry is really nothing more than the biological imperative by which humans procreate and increase their species. Sure, its an element that needs to be present to a certain extent, but basing relationships solely on chemistry just makes me a busy lawyer (biology is destiny if you’re a divorce attorney). Problem with chemistry is that it can evaporate, sometimes quickly, sometimes not. It may get the engine started, but the only thing that keeps the car on the road is the decision to LOVE, and it’s commitment (which is simply deciding to renew LOVE regularly). Its really a lot more mental than we realize.
Successful relationships often are remarkable by how much the two ‘commiters’ change in personality over the course of the relationship. That’s not really chemistry, unless its the minds ability to conform chemistry to the mental wavelength proffered. In previous generations, regardless of locale or community, race or religion, there was much less choice of partner, much less emphasis on ‘chemistry’ and much more on decision-making.
Its certainly arguable that those generations were somehow less ‘healthy’ and contributed to the many problems people have now because they ‘conformed’ and were not being ‘free’ or ‘true to themselves’. But you can’t really say they were 100% better or 100% worse, just different. Just as relationships today could be described. I truly wonder if I had someone (who loved me & knew me well & whose judgment I trusted) choose someone for me, that they wouldn’t come up with someone more compatible than I could using ‘chemistry’ as my guideline.
Well argued counsellor!
Somehow I get the impression that she didn’t lose many cases